


Such a Bold Departure from the Original Source Material...

by w_k_smith



Category: Beetlejuice - All Media Types, Beetlejuice - Perfect/Brown & King
Genre: Asexual main character, BJ and Lydia are Chaos Siblings, Fluff, Gen, Grocery Shopping, Halloween, Mini fics, One Shot Collection, Teen Titans Go - Freeform, bisexual main characters, hair dye mishap, puns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26447416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w_k_smith/pseuds/w_k_smith
Summary: A collection of mini-fics about the Beetlejuice-Deetz-Maitland family, set in the world of Beetlejuice the Musical (the Musical the Musical).Anything under about 750 words will be posted to this collection.Look out for puns, family bonding, and spooky nonsense.
Relationships: Beetlejuice & Lydia Deetz
Comments: 4
Kudos: 44





	1. "A Gothy Teen"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Originally posted on my tumblr.)

Barbara was bouncing on her toes, nearly floating above the ground. “That was great, Lydia! You’re really improving. You’ll be a pro in no time!”

“It’s just the grocery store,” Lydia said, dropping the keys to her father’s car into her NPR tote bag. She worried she’d never see the keys again. The wide skirt of her What-if-Wednesday-Addams-was-a-femme-Zoomer? dress had a killer silhouette, but she wished she had more clothes with pockets. “It’s only five minutes away.” But she was smiling, because she’d finally stopped getting nervous the second she sat behind the wheel. She’d started looking forward to getting her license, instead of worrying about accidentally driving into a ditch.

“I’m so proud, Scarecrow,” Beetlejuice said, pretending to wipe away a tear. At that, Lydia just rolled her eyes.

“Oh no.” Barbara patted her dress’s pockets as they walked through the parking lot to the store’s entrance. “Lydia, did you remember the list?”

“Um…” Lydia stuck her arm in her tote bag. “I don’t think I did…”

“I have it,” Beetlejuice said, producing the page of the cat-shaped novelty notepad their household wrote the grocery lists on. “What?” he said, when Barbara and Lydia stared. “I can remember things.”

“Thank you, Beetlejuice,” Barbara said. “How about we split up? That way we’ll get done faster.” She took the list, and precisely tore the page in half.

“BarBARA,” Lydia said. “You killed it!”

Beetlejuice took the bottom half of the page. “This is why you shouldn’t be curious.”

Barbara sighed. “I’ll take my half. You guys take that one. Don’t get too distracted, OK? Adam and Charles need a lot of this to make dinner.”

“Will do,” Lydia said. 

Barbara took her half of the list, and headed for the produce section.

“Try to remember to stay visible, honey!” Beetlejuice called after her. “And no levitating things off the top shelf! Let’s not make them think they have a poltergeist.”

“What’s first on our list?” Lydia asked as she pulled a cart out of the corral.

Beetlejuice checked. “Whole milk - Charles’s handwriting, skim milk - Adam’s handwriting, and almond milk - Delia’s handwriting. Why can’t anyone in this family agree on what a cow is for?”

“To the dairy section!” Lydia said. She took a few running steps and jumped on the cart like a scooter. Right as the cart started to slow down, it got another burst of speed, and she knew Beetlejuice was to blame. Unfortunately, one of the wheels was shaky, and she almost crashed into a display of Lacroix.

“Lydia?” came a familiar voice from close by.

Lydia turned around, and saw Claire Brewster standing a few feet away, holding an armful of cereal boxes. Per usual, Claire was wearing a pink t-shirt, and shoes that were so trendy even Lydia had been bombarded with ads for them on Instagram.

Lydia smiled.

“Hi, Claire!” she said. “I didn’t know you lived nearby.”

Claired gave an exaggerated shrug, rattling the cereal. “Kind of. I’m with my dad for the weekend. Nice to see someone who isn’t terrible lives in this neighborhood. I _love_ your dress.”

“Thanks,” Lydia said, smoothing down the skirt. 

“Um…” Claire shuffled the cereal boxes to the crook of one arm to point at Lydia’s cart. “Is that guy with you?”

Beetlejuice was leaning against the end of the cart, picking at the polish on his nails. He was in a good mood, so his hair was grass green that day, and he’d worn a clean suit, for once.

“That’s my brother BJ,” Lydia said. “Hey! Beej! Be polite, this is my friend from school.”

“I’m Claire,” Claire said, waving. “Lydia talks about you sometimes.”

“Oooh?” Beetlejuice looked interested. “What does she say?”

“That your stepmom bribes you with cookies to shower and that you’re the reason the Girl Scouts almost blacklisted all of Connecticut.” Lydia glared at her. “And that you’re funny and a not-terrible brother and other nice things.”

“Claire!” someone called from around the corner. “Where did you go?”

Claire rolled her eyes. “See you on Monday, Lydia. Nice to meet you, Lydia’s Brother.” She took her cereal and left.

“I didn’t know you had human friends,” Beetlejuice said. Lydia started pushing the cart with him still hanging off the end.

“I don’t tell you everything. Claire’s nice. She’s in three of my classes and we’re both in the Queer Alliance Club.”

“I dunno. I would have expected you to be enemies.”

“Why? Because I always wear black and she’s super preppy? It’s not the _80s_ ,” she said.

“Whatever, nerd. By the way, we might need a second cart. Somebody added ‘all the cookie dough the store has’ to the list when you weren’t looking,” Beetlejuice said.

“Was it you?”

“Who’s to say what _anything_ is or was, really?”


	2. [untitled mini-fic]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Originally posted on my tumblr.)

Lydia Deetz was, for once in her life, just minding her own business, picking at an after-school bowl of cereal and scrolling through her phone in the kitchen.

And then Beetlejuice ran in and threw his striped jacket at her.

“Put it on!” he insisted.

“What? Why?”

“Please?”

She held it at arm’s length. “No. I’ve _seen_ you take mice out of the pockets.”

“Just trust me, Lyds. Have I ever steered you wrong?”

“So many times.”

“I mean, in this room?”

“At least twice!” she said, but she found herself shrugging his blazer on anyway. “ ‘Don’t worry, Lydia, I won’t let your toast burn!’ ‘No, Lydia, go ahead, I’m 99% sure it’s safe to microwave aluminum foil.’ ”

“Come in quick!” Beetlejuice shouted.

Adam, Barbara, her father, and Delia entered the kitchen - Adam and Barbara through the wall, Dad and Delia through the doorway - looking understandably hesitant. 

“What’s going on?” Delia asked.

Beetlejuice pointed at Lydia and waved his arms like a model on a game show presenting a fabulous new car.

“I’ve got an ace up my sleeve!” he announced.

Barbara was the first to react, giving an exaggerated groan.

“Again, Lawrence?” Charles said, not impatiently.

“You said it was a family emergency,” Adam said.

Beetlejuice huffed. “It’s not my fault if we have different definitions of an emergency. Asexuality puns count.”

“Well, I think it’s funny,” Delia said.

“At least someone has taste.” Beetlejuice reached for his jacket, but Lydia pulled away.

“No,” she said. “I’m wearing this to school tomorrow.”

“You didn’t want to touch it five seconds ago.”

“Tough. You threw it at me.”


	3. "She's in for a Shock"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Originally posted on my tumblr.)

Lydia ran her hand through her hair, and her fingers came away covered in black gunk. “OK, that’s the last straw,” she muttered, more to herself than to anyone else at the breakfast table.

“What’s wrong?” Delia asked, looking up from the newspaper. Lydia’s father had already left for work, and Beetlejuice and the Maitlands – who didn’t need to eat and rarely did, but who usually hung around during meals – were talking at the other end of the table.

“This cheap hair dye was a mistake,” Lydia said. “I’ve had it in for a week, and it’s still bleeding on everything.”

“Who’s bleeding on everything?” Beetlejuice asked.

“Just my hair,” Lydia said. “Don’t look so excited.”

“What are you going to do?” Delia asked.

“Just get some color remover and wash it out tonight, I guess,” Lydia said. She pulled her hair away from her neck. “Look at these smears! I look like I’m melting.”

Barbara made a sympathetic noise.

“Want some suggestions for your next color?” Beetlejuice asked. “I’m thinking: puce.”

“I’m going to stay blonde for a while.”

“Won’t they revoke your goth card?” he asked.

“No, my goth dues are paid up. I’m just sick of dealing with the hair upkeep.”

*

That evening, armed with her oldest, worst t-shirt (“Martin Van Buren Middle School…Home of the Fighting Pine Needles!”) and the box of color remover (“Bye-Bye Dye! _Ain’t no lie, baby: that color will be gone in 30 minutes or less_.”) Lydia got to work.

She lathered the remover into her hair, bundled her bob under a shower cap, and sat on the edge of the bathtub, scrolling through group chats she didn’t care about for 30 minutes. Every so often, Beetlejuice would bang on the door and suggest a new color.

“Rose gold?” he called.

“No.”

“Taupe?”

“What? No.”

“Ice blue?”

“I kind of like that idea. But we’re not allowed to have unnatural hair colors at school.”

“Oh, orange! Go orange. Like _Fifth Element_.”

“Gross. For the color, not the movie.”

The timer on her phone beeped. “Moment of truth!” Lydia called.

She stuck her head in the sink, and rinsed her hair. She didn’t have the best view, but the water streaming through her bangs and around her neck started to run satisfyingly murky. When the water went clear again, she grabbed her towel, dried off, and checked herself in the mirror.

“Oh my _God_ ,” she said.

“What?” Beetlejuice asked. He was still outside; great.

“Get out of here, Beej!”

“Lydia?” He sounded genuinely concerned. “Are you OK?”

She pressed her face into the towel and groaned.

“I’m fine,” she said. “But you can’t laugh!”

“That’s not really something I can promise.”

She opened the door. Beetlejuice started cackling.

“That’s amazing!” he said. “You look amazing!”

“No, I don’t.”

“Twinsies!” he said, bouncing on his toes. “We have to show everyone.”

Lydia let her head flop back, and she groaned again. She wanted to argue, but figured she might as well get the reveal over with.

Beetlejuice didn’t wait, and charged out of her room onto the landing.

“Like a froggy, ferny, cabbage!” he sang, bouncing down the stairs. “Her haircut is unnaturally _greeeeeeeeen_.”

“Unnatural” wasn’t the right word, but her hair was definitely tinted green. The black had all washed out, but had left something behind. Like she’d dunked her natural hair color in lime Gatorade.

“How does this happen?” she demanded to no one in particular. Her father and Delia were watching TV. The Maitlands came in from the kitchen when they heard Beetlejuice and Lydia come downstairs.

“I only use black dye, I swear,” Lydia said.

“I’ve read about this!” Adam said. “It’s caused up by buildup of minerals that oxidize and –”

“She’s taking after me!” Beetlejuice squeezed his eyes shut and grunted, and his hair turned the same grass-stained blonde Lydia’s was now.

“The color’s not too bad!” Delia said, though Lydia could tell her enthusiasm was a little fake.

“I’m sure it’ll wash out soon,” Barbara said.

“I’m going to get another call from your principal, aren’t I?” her father asked.

She ran her hands through her hair. “It won’t be my fault this time,” she grumbled.

“I’m just going to keep recommending new colors,” Beetlejuice said. His hair changed with each suggestion. “Eggshell? Egg _plant_? Stoplight. Fire engine! Target red! Walmart blue! That color you get when you drip bleach on black fabric. Amaranth. Wenge. Bastard amber – oh, I think that’s my favorite so far…”


	4. [Prelude to Teen Titans Go: "Ghost with the Most"]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little prelude I whipped up for the Teen Titans Go episode "Ghost with the Most," where Alex Brightman played Beetlejuice in animated form.

“Lydia. Lydia. Lyds. Lyyyyyyyydia.”

Lydia glanced up from her phone to find Beetlejuice’s head dangling next to her. His body stood behind the living room couch, and was holding his head by the hair.

“What are you watching?” he asked, gesturing with his eyes toward the TV.

“Why do you have to open the normalest conversations by being ridiculous?” she asked.

“It’s due to my crippling fear of not being worthy of attention.” He set his head back on his neck. “What? You didn’t expect honesty?”

She rolled her eyes and pointed at the screen, which was currently blaring a commercial for a cereal composed of radioactively green dinosaur marshmallows.

“Halloween marathon on Cartoon Network,” she said. “They’re showing a bunch of new and old Halloween episodes.”

“Oh, fun! Which one’s up next?”

“Teen Titans Go.” She made a face. “I liked the old Teen Titans so much more.”

“Lydia, you are such a -”

“Raven?” she said hopefully.

“ - _hipster_. Don’t be so mean to the baby Titans! I bet I can make them better.”

Beetlejuice’s tone sounded like trouble. “What did you have in mind?” she asked.

He walked around the couch, and positioned himself in front of the TV like a swimmer about to jump off a diving board. “Watch this!”

Two very dangerous words to come from Beetlejuice.

As he threw himself forward, turning into a flash of light that disappeared into the screen, she heard him say, “ _Maybe this’ll convince them to revive_ my _show!”_

Lydia rolled her eyes, set down her phone, and sat back to watch his plan unfold.


	5. Halloween Mini-Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr

Charles heard several _thump_ noises in the attic above his study, gave the chaos two minutes to resolve itself, and headed up to investigate when it didn’t. He found Adam and Barbara sitting on their couch - Barbara reading a paperback romance novel, Adam knitting a sock.

“What’s going on up here?” Charles asked. “I keep hearing -?”

“That’s just Beetlejuice and Lydia on the roof,” Adam said. “They’re reverse trick-or-treating.”

“I think they mostly wanted an excuse to wear their costumes,” Barbara said.

Charles heard cackling laughter, and footsteps running back and forth. Shadows moved across the attic window.

“What costumes did they settle on?” Charles asked.

“Pugsley and Wednesday Addams,” Barbara said.

“How on earth could you tell the difference?”

“Oh no - Lydia’s Pugsley, BJ is Wednesday. He looks cute in the wig.”

“And what’s reverse trick-or-treating?” Charles asked.

Adam shrugged. “Well, with the pandemic, the city cancelled Halloween activities, but they still wanted to celebrate. So instead of going from house to house, they’re giving candy out to people who come by.”

Outside, Lydia whooped.

Charles frowned. “Wouldn’t that still involve contact?”

“They’re doing it at a distance,” Barbara said. “That’s why they’re on the roof. It’s like a parade!”

“Do the people they’re giving candy to...know what’s happening? Are they slowing down, opening their car windows?”

“I don’t... _think_ so,” Barbara said.

“It seemed like a spur-of-the-moment thing,” Adam said.

Charles sighed. “So they’re just throwing small objects at passing cars?”

The Maitlands looked at each other.

“I’ll make them stop,” Barbara said sheepishly.

“No, no, allow me,” Charles said, and reached for the window sash.


End file.
